Yesterday I had my 2 week followup to check on my incision, which went very well as it is healing nicely. Afterwards I talked with my midwife about the 'blues.' Knowing what we've been through over the past year and a half, I don't know that she was all that surprised that I was still struggling with the emotions.
Funny story. Between my 2 week follow up and my appt with Denise, I bumped into my other midwife. I walked back into the waiting room crying. My mom asked what happened, and I told her Lynda asked the wrong question. A minute or so later Mom asked what she asked. When I answered, "How are you doing?" Mom and I both starting laughing to the point of crying, We seriously could not stop. Maybe you had to be there, but it was an example of the lack of control I have of my emotions, but at the same time we were able to get a good laugh out of it. So then when Denise called me back and asked "How are you?" Lynda said from behind her, "Don't ask her that!"
Ok back to the serious stuff. Whether you want to call it severe Baby Blues or mild Postpartum Depression, I'm not afraid to admit I need help. I have a feeling, like so many other things, more woman have struggled in this area than we think because its just not something we like to admit or talk about... which only makes it harder for the women going through it. So this is me talking about it.
Talking with Denise was very helpful. I suggested the original trigger was the nursing issue. But she said, no, this goes back to infertility/IVF and includes everything since then including my difficult labor. In just over a year, we went from thinking we could never have a baby to holding our son in our arms. That in itself is a lot to process. So then add the postpartum hormones and its almost more than my mind can handle.
While I have good days, I just don't know when something else is going to trigger the bad days. And when I say bad days, its pretty much a lot of crying, self doubt, etc. Its not severe, just more anxiety. I can still take good care of Milo, its just dealing with my emotions.
I knew I needed help and additional support, and I knew I needed to get it in place before my mom leaves.
I hope if there is someone else reading this who has, is, or will struggle with any level of Postpartum Depression or the Baby Blues... they will not be afraid to talk about it and get help in whatever form may be necessary. And its hard to get help. Because you have a good day and think... oh I'm coming out of it... but then you have another bad day and wish you had that extra help and support. And its important to get help early before it progresses into something more severe where there is a risk to yourself or your baby.
I think it's also important, as a parent, to remember that we can not give our children the best of us-- if we aren't taking care of us.... so its okay to go to the store alone to get a break-- its okay too hand off the baby when your husband gets home to take 20 minutes to yourself--- Its okay to admit that we need something to help US-- thats what makes a good parent-- admitting that we can't do it all-- and reaching out to use the resources available to us.
ReplyDeleteKelly, read the message from Bridget and Teagan again...I totally agree. Then, remember what I told you...it took me about six weeks. This is what I meant. With every baby I went through the same thing you are going through...by the third one I realized it is normal. I was just going through "normal". You love your little Milo so much, don't worry you are going to do something to harm him or yourself. Your hormones have been to the moon and they're just coming back. I bottle fed my first two babies, and wanted very much to nurse my third (and last). I tried, but experienced all those "fun" things you mentioned...ouch! I cried and cried...and CRIED! Didn't matter who was around, either! When Michael was about 2 weeks old, I went to the doctor with my husband for an ear infection he (husband) had, the doctor asked me the same "bad" question. I started bawling! I told him I kept "seeing" a bottle in a little bubble above Michael's head and wanted to quit the nursing, but I felt awful. He & his wife (a nurse) had just had their first baby six weeks before us. He said, "it's okay...Mary Margaret isn't nursing. You aren't a terrible mother if you don't nurse." Gee, he gave me the permission I was seeking (especially if a doctor & a nurse had chosen to bottle feed!!). We went to the store that day and bought all the bottles & formula. It was what I needed to start feeling better. It gave me a break and others could help me feed him. Now, I'm not suggesting you stop nursing, but only that you don't have to do it all, don't beat yourself up for not matching the picture perfect mom in your head. Moms are human, not superhuman. You'll be so much better when your body gets healed (physically & emotionally). You can't do it immediately...and that's okay. Let others help you and take a break ALONE once in awhile. I promise you in a few weeks this will pass. Just be sure of it, keep that in the back of your mind...tick tock, tick tock. The days will pass one by one and when Milo is about six weeks old, you will be coming out of this funk. Big hugs to you...you are a wonderful mama and you will be okay soon...promise!
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